A friend recommended me to Kelly Clarkson’s Cry. Listening to it cuts my hurt even deeper, though in the irony of it all, I need it badly to soothe the pain I’ve been through lately. Yes, truth hurts. But I need it to grant me strength to face my own demon.
I hate you. Because I need to get over the fact that you won’t budge an ass to make the move, so I’ll hate you. So badly wish that you would come up to me and say something that would trigger a slap on your pretty face. But you didn’t.
So I kept this anger to myself and it turns into this evil mirror ball that gradually sees me transformed into a wishing lamp at hand, where I could take chances and make the world turn against you. Yes, my mind has entered the ‘bitch mode’ during its recovery process. I was close to mix work with pleasure, inducing your guilt conscience for this hurt of mine. That icy stare at your timid puppy eyes is one of those things. That smirk at your lame intelligence display and your jackass laughter. I wondered who’s the lucky apple in your eye. Your favourite billboard model or some classic chick in high-couture fashion magazine? Grow up, dude! I couldn’t stand how you can be so calm and collected about the whole situation. Is that what guys does best? I wish you would have tendered your letter then and sayonara. Even better, I wish you didn’t exist! Poof!
Truth is, I must have cared about this relationship so much to the extent that I cry over you when it’s over. But I wouldn’t have learned about what it takes to be ready if I didn’t take the first step to fight for it, will I?
And truth is, I know that I must move on now. I just need time to get through this phase; myself. Probably the hardest part is to allow myself known already that whatever the outcome may be out of this pain, it should never ever change the love I have to give for self and others. At least I know now, what I really want that would otherwise not have worked with you.
The times I’d always ask find myself asking, when will I be ready? God showed me the answer, but I suppose I could learned a lesson with this one. Truth is a teacher that gives lesson before it teaches. What I’m learning now is this. You.