Referring to Day-dreamer’s comment in previous entry, the goody sister in me didn’t last. At times I wished, that she’s a mobile independent person, and so badly wished, that she is able to make up her own mind. Period. I didn’t like it when she behaves like deciding something as minor as where to eat is a matter of life and death in question. And I know why.
I saw myself in that reflection of my indecisiveness as well sometimes. With two indecisive people standing in the middle of the mall deciding where to eat, you don’t get any conclusion but pure mental exhaustion, so naturally someone has to take charge. Deep down I wondered if I have overshadowed that leadership trait in her because of me being the elder one and her respecting the decisions I’ve made out of courtesy. She can lead if she wants to. I know she can.
It’s hard on me to be a complete selfless and don’t mind doing favors for anyone worth at the expense of my personal time. Honestly, I really don’t mind, because conscience always gets the best of me. Always. But when the favor overweights what I am expected to do, I’ll feel bad about not giving as much thought of favor for myself. So there goes the monster in me, lashed out at unsuspecting victim with my razor sharp cynical remarks and icy queen stares. In my case, silence cuts deep.
So I’m not as selfless as I thought I was. Apparently not. But I want to blog it out so that I’ll learn something out of this. I will do what it takes to help out against my inner conflict, just as long as the favour will not be treated like some privilege.