I really don’t want to talk about the work load that’s been pilling up on my desk like domino stacks.
I really don’t want to talk about my irregular meal time and bulging tummy due to lack of exercise.
I really don’t want to talk about the expression on my mom’s face when I’m off to work early, and back home very late.
I really don’t want to talk about the lone writer who talks to music like a soul companion while working.
I really don’t want to talk about how the hell am I going to cope with the oncoming tsunami of stress, bound to soak me up in ocean of bloody tears.
I really don’t…
Oh well, I really think God must have a valid reason for all this. Better be.
God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Yeah, I wish for a man like that. But man aside, yours truly been pushed into being what it’s like to be strong for someone other than yourself lately. Because I believe you can’t be strong for self knowing that you have no purpose doing so, but then if you did, you must be strong enough to support another weary soul to be strong as well, which goes back to saying that you need someone you’d care strongly for, to be strong.
You know what it’s like to put up a front of someone else other than what you are inside? Someone who’s rock steady and always look on the bright side no matter how down the moment is? But deep inside, you’re a crumbling cookie. You’re well aware that you can break down anytime soon.
And you so badly wanted to give up. So Godamn badly. But you can’t. Something’s holding you back. Something that makes you want to fight back. Show your strength. You’re not about to lose it soon just yet. Not now. Not until you give it all you’ve got. Because you know that things are not going to change if you drown in self-misery. You have to make your move. You have to be strong. So that someone you cared most can be strong too.
I hope you are. Because then I’ll see that I can be strong for myself as well.
Mariah Carey must be proud of you darlings.
I’ll be celebrating S.A.D on Valentine’s day working half-day and later be off to post office to re-new my sister’s driving license. For some strange reason I’d just don’t give much thought about it anymore as I did before. You know, avoiding malls and places where you will inevitably bump into affectionate couples holding bouquet of flowers (that will die in the next 3 days), walking hand in hand, looking lovey-dovey in the eyes. I would be lying to say that I don’t cringe upon that kind of PDA, but that’s because I’m not involved in any committed relationship yet so I’m not saying that I’m a die hard fan of being single… *whispers* just in case cupid’s around the corner…
Sincerely though, I hope you loving couples have a great one today. Ok, not just loving couples but to those loving and loved, celebrate it the best way you can. Life’s too short to think about Valentine’s day being over-commercialized and all. Like, whatever lah right?
Referring to Day-dreamer’s comment in previous entry, the goody sister in me didn’t last. At times I wished, that she’s a mobile independent person, and so badly wished, that she is able to make up her own mind. Period. I didn’t like it when she behaves like deciding something as minor as where to eat is a matter of life and death in question. And I know why.
I saw myself in that reflection of my indecisiveness as well sometimes. With two indecisive people standing in the middle of the mall deciding where to eat, you don’t get any conclusion but pure mental exhaustion, so naturally someone has to take charge. Deep down I wondered if I have overshadowed that leadership trait in her because of me being the elder one and her respecting the decisions I’ve made out of courtesy. She can lead if she wants to. I know she can.
It’s hard on me to be a complete selfless and don’t mind doing favors for anyone worth at the expense of my personal time. Honestly, I really don’t mind, because conscience always gets the best of me. Always. But when the favor overweights what I am expected to do, I’ll feel bad about not giving as much thought of favor for myself. So there goes the monster in me, lashed out at unsuspecting victim with my razor sharp cynical remarks and icy queen stares. In my case, silence cuts deep.
So I’m not as selfless as I thought I was. Apparently not. But I want to blog it out so that I’ll learn something out of this. I will do what it takes to help out against my inner conflict, just as long as the favour will not be treated like some privilege.