Crippled.

*postmortem entry of life after post-graduation.

6 months ago, I thought about quiting the job. Having stepped into the working environment for the first time can be quite intimidating for a fresh grad like me; someone who is reticent and far from being outspoken in public. The challenge gets interesting when I decided to take the leap of faith over my hard-earned degree to work in an unlikely industry I would ever expect myself to be.

Thought I’d give it a try, despite telling myself to be mentally aware of the nature of this job (or so I thought?). The only comforting thought I hold on to is the fact that my work place is only a 15-minute drive from home. Lunch-ing was also convenient, a 10-minute walking distance to shop lots/restaurants that served decent food. Nowadays I seldom eat out even.

Everything went fairly well for the first few weeks, though I suspect it’s the case of ‘calm before the storm’. When I realize how I start dreading to wake up to get to work everyday, I knew that my honeymooning phase is over. I knew that I can no longer do the carefree things I did back in varsity days. This is where it gets tough, as the journey along the months that followed were paved with thorns that pricked on the thin-skinned.

I guess I know where the problem lies. I remembered arriving at my first day of work almost unannounced to the department, thus leaving a cold first impression of me to some of my fellow colleagues. I now learned a hard lesson on how important it is to present your best self possible to people right upon the first encounter itself, since we humans tend to have selective memory and can only remember much, at least until you get to know each other better.

My relationship with the boss, my supervisor, so far has been lukewarm and rather dogmatic at times. This is something I had to work on too I know.

The work load has been a light one, but downright mundane and brain-dead. I didn’t think I would last more than 6 months then, but I manage to overcome the dread feeling by thinking how I can actually save up my salary for rainy day through frugal spending on weekdays (only to splurge some of it on guilt-free weekends). I thought that at least when it is time for me to quit, I still have some cushion savings to spare while I look for job opportunity elsewhere.

Now that I’m close to my 9-month employment, something got me thinking about quiting again. I’ve been contemplating on this decision since last month. 6 months ago, I tell myself that I don’t fit in here. I felt out of place, out of nowhere.

And 6 months after, I still feel the same emotionally unfit person I am. Worse, my confidence hit to the lowest point, and having nobody empathetic enough to share my feelings with, the loneliness grows stronger every day. I’m starting to lose my sense of purpose to work. My dire condition of becoming de-motivated has caused me to procrastinate a lot lately. My guitar lessons, volunteering at Paws, things that I ought to be doing now in living to the fullest of my youth.

But I feel helpless now, and sank so low on my suppressed emotional distress and frustration. All I know is that I wanted to quit from this crippling job. But first I gotta secure a new job.

I’m unofficially on the job market again. Back at square one.

*sigh*