Crippled.

*postmortem entry of life after post-graduation.

6 months ago, I thought about quiting the job. Having stepped into the working environment for the first time can be quite intimidating for a fresh grad like me; someone who is reticent and far from being outspoken in public. The challenge gets interesting when I decided to take the leap of faith over my hard-earned degree to work in an unlikely industry I would ever expect myself to be.

Thought I’d give it a try, despite telling myself to be mentally aware of the nature of this job (or so I thought?). The only comforting thought I hold on to is the fact that my work place is only a 15-minute drive from home. Lunch-ing was also convenient, a 10-minute walking distance to shop lots/restaurants that served decent food. Nowadays I seldom eat out even.

Everything went fairly well for the first few weeks, though I suspect it’s the case of ‘calm before the storm’. When I realize how I start dreading to wake up to get to work everyday, I knew that my honeymooning phase is over. I knew that I can no longer do the carefree things I did back in varsity days. This is where it gets tough, as the journey along the months that followed were paved with thorns that pricked on the thin-skinned.

I guess I know where the problem lies. I remembered arriving at my first day of work almost unannounced to the department, thus leaving a cold first impression of me to some of my fellow colleagues. I now learned a hard lesson on how important it is to present your best self possible to people right upon the first encounter itself, since we humans tend to have selective memory and can only remember much, at least until you get to know each other better.

My relationship with the boss, my supervisor, so far has been lukewarm and rather dogmatic at times. This is something I had to work on too I know.

The work load has been a light one, but downright mundane and brain-dead. I didn’t think I would last more than 6 months then, but I manage to overcome the dread feeling by thinking how I can actually save up my salary for rainy day through frugal spending on weekdays (only to splurge some of it on guilt-free weekends). I thought that at least when it is time for me to quit, I still have some cushion savings to spare while I look for job opportunity elsewhere.

Now that I’m close to my 9-month employment, something got me thinking about quiting again. I’ve been contemplating on this decision since last month. 6 months ago, I tell myself that I don’t fit in here. I felt out of place, out of nowhere.

And 6 months after, I still feel the same emotionally unfit person I am. Worse, my confidence hit to the lowest point, and having nobody empathetic enough to share my feelings with, the loneliness grows stronger every day. I’m starting to lose my sense of purpose to work. My dire condition of becoming de-motivated has caused me to procrastinate a lot lately. My guitar lessons, volunteering at Paws, things that I ought to be doing now in living to the fullest of my youth.

But I feel helpless now, and sank so low on my suppressed emotional distress and frustration. All I know is that I wanted to quit from this crippling job. But first I gotta secure a new job.

I’m unofficially on the job market again. Back at square one.

*sigh*

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18 responses to “Crippled.

  1. I think I can understand that feeling you are having at the moment. I remember how i didn’t like my previous job at all and it was terrible to wake up every morning to drag myself to the office.I quit after some time because i really didn’t fit in and I clearly didn’t see myself making a career in that company.

    It’s not always easy to get a job you like. There’s always a black dot somewhere. Either it’s the salary, the colleagues, the boss, the work environment… *sigh*

    Why do we even have to workkkk? *sob sob*

  2. Angele,
    *sobs together with Angele*

    I shared your sentiment, Angele. totally. no such thing as perfect job. maybe it’s not too late for me to realize that now… despite this being my first job. I’m sooo not fit to working.

  3. Dear Butty…
    I hope you will find your feet soon. It’s teruk having to go thru what you are going thru ~ that sense of unbelonging at the workplace.. *sigh* You have all my best wishes for a speedy recovery! Biggest hugs, ok? And I mean big big ones..
    Love, LB

  4. LB,
    Dear LB…

    I’m touched. Thank you. for your support, big big hugs and kindness. much much appreciated and valued in my heart. makes me feel ‘human’ again… *smilling tears*

    I will rise to the occasion. I won’t let myself to be put down by anyone. that’s my affirmation.

    Love,
    Butty

  5. Kam kam dear _butt, let me gip u a warm tight hug. Working environment is very different from skool, especially when peepul thre oredi have their history togeder and “groups”, not easy to break in. First impressions are important but also remember peepul have short memories, keep trying and soon they will welkam u, oso they will learn that you may not be a gurl of many words but u are a dependable friend with a warm and generous heart. There are also lots of jobs out there, if this one is not the right one, then keep sending out those resumes, something you like will kam along.

  6. Life’s like that.
    With every experience comes a lesson..regardless of whether it’s good or bad.
    You’ll grow & become a more matured & better person in the long run.

    Love ya!

    *HUGS HUGS*

  7. dear buttie…
    It’s true (like Angele said) that there’s always a black dot at every work place. So, it’s better to ask yourself, what’s the most important for you? Is it the salary? The prestige of position? The work environment? The location?

    As for me, the most important is the work environment and location because we spend most of our time at work than at home or other places. From morning until evening, from Monday until Friday.

    You are still young, I believe there’re a lot of opportunities for you and probably much better than the current workplace/situation. It’s ok to be back at square one for a better future. Good luck, girl! 🙂

  8. Kopi Soh,
    *runs to Kopi Soh for a big warm hug*

    yes. think its gonna take some time for me to cope with the transition. I need to grow out of my old school days, and move on. and keep going. keep searching for my dream job while I’m still young.

    Thank you for the words of encouragement, Kopi Soh. I shall always remember. miss you here and facebook, too.

  9. Jemima,
    a better version of me someday. 🙂

    Hugs! Love ya too Jem

  10. Selba,
    I’m someone who always seem to missed the big picture even when it’s there, staring back at me. I’ve a short attention span. the downside of a multitasker I suspect. but Selba, you certainly got me thinking on my priorities again.

    before grad, becoming a reporter/writer is all I ever thought of. I was naive, and soon, going through the phase of one interview after another kinda made me tired. so I grabbed for something closer to hold onto, thought that financial security would do, and settle for this stable-and-safe kind of job. maybe then I’ll change my mind about writing too. all that in one year time frame. I planned it all in my head.

    then somewhere along the way, I lost it.

    but now you made me reflect again on my decision, in a positive light even. big Thanks for the friendly reminder and your bigger support! I hope all is well too on your side. 😉

  11. everyone gave good advice.. so, i hv nothing more to say… here’s wishing you that one day, you’ll find work is just as fun as play 😉

    all the best!
    *good-luck-hugz*

  12. Oh dear… does that mean that application to The Star was…?

    Leave a day for me to date you after my exams. We’ll have a good, long talk ok? *hugs for sis*

  13. hey, cheer up 🙂

    it’s time like this that gets things started once again.

    with the experience u learned, you now know what to expect for the next job..so you’ll be able to pick a better one.

  14. Angeles,
    Thank you, my Angel. cheeeeersss!

    😀

  15. Day-dreamer,
    let’s just say there’s no conclusion to it… yet. 😉

    okie dokie! hugs!

  16. Mr. Goober,
    Thanks for the support! yep, experience. best teacher ever.

    🙂

  17. If you do not mind may I know what are you working as right now … Anyway, I know how hard it is to look for a job that will suit yourself so that you will not wake up every morning feeling lethargic and stressed when you think about going to work but I guess you have to look harder in order to find something that you’d really like to do. All the best babe!

    (:

  18. Kyels,
    not at all. currently working in a publishing company, doing merchandising. love the books but the job itself is rather tedious; data entries, ordering, and more data entries.

    all the best to you too. just don’t end up like me. lol

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